Note to Self

Transitions. Endless. Empty. Anxious. Antsy. Bouncing like a kid. Boring. Interminable flights over vast distances. Never landing. Wanting to scream. Congenitally unsuited. Always waiting. Always traveling. Never arriving. But congenital's not right, really. Genetic trait, sure. Though something else too. Unending tragedies started by murder and mayhem. Clan warfare. Invasion and oppression. Treason. Exploitation. Death and flight by the millions. Numbness – inherited trait. No emotion. Just histrionics. Distraction. Frustration. And when the dust settles: melancholia. Sweet sickness. Old bone. One-note melody. Resigned fate. Trauma hugged by weeping mother. Whiskey. Blurred vision. Waters littered with thin blades – blown out windows. Slivers piercing skin. Keep flailing. Then sing sad songs. All cursed. Threads in history’s loom. Winding through tapestries thousand years long. Trapped in warp and weft. Reverse. Loose ends behind perfect facades. Stupid bickering yanking on frayed...

Don’t feel right. Straight life. Bad reception. Between channels. Ghost voices. Static. Rude. Overlapping. Interrupting. Overstepping. Agitated. Manic. Bored. Banal. Repeat. Inner city blues. Make me wanna holler. Engine revving. Leash taut. Straining. Barking. Whining. Trapped. Trained to serve. Obedient. Docile. Willing. Conditioned. Life on a calendar. In-person. Virtual. Canceled. Distracted. First world problem. Over-active. Speak. Sit. Treat. Malign. Compete. Forfeit. Deep breath. Too old to care. No breath. Choking. Blurred light. Birds. Always birds. Demanding. Displaying. Dismaying. Above. Below. Lost. Out of bounds. Wander into park. Past convention. Swaying breeze. Pine needles. Trash. Children playing. Excited. Screaming. Bodies too small. Need to explode. Slope. Recline. Relax. Cocooned. Protected. Perfected. Begin. Repair. Restore. Construction so far away. Giant machines fixing what’s broke for twenty years now. Concrete. Precise. Delicate. Empty fountain. Muffled voices...

Group. Think. Exclusion. Prejudice. What in the world? Faith. Culture. Nation. Preference. Cliques. Who’s in. Who’s out. Flags. Emblems. Buttons. Songs. Signs. Food. Code. Trust who you know. Or. Change. Let through the door. Strength. Tradition. Pride. Us. Them. Distinct. Because we choose to be. Hate us. Attack us. Just don’t question us. Declare. Decide. Choose a side. Who the hell do you think you are? Join us. It’ll be ok – you’ll be hazed. Cleansed. But. Never forget your position. Against our better judgment. New money. Made men. Slash in the night. Stab in the back. Finally. Because we can. No affinity. You really believe that? Done. Pawn, find the seam. Break the jail. Now hated by everyone – of course. But hard to be kind. All the time. To everyone. Separate person from behavior. Compassion. Large language. Encompassing terms. No ethnicity. No religion. Not human. Not animal. Not alive. Not dead. Senses. Heart. Mind. Slow. Deliberate. Intentional. Open. Relaxed. Breath. Count...

Whoa. That was four lifetimes ago. Can’t remember. Somebody else said that. I think. Messed up. Wounded. Blinded. Numb. Wanted so much. Nothing to give. Nothing to say. No insight. No gifts. Nothing but rage. Trapped in waves. Leaking onto a floodplain. Embarrassed. Young. Still. So young. No composure. No control. What must you think? Never learned. Never grew. Never alone. With thoughts. Too dangerous. Unremitting sadness. Difficult to see. Wind blowing hard through bare trees. Wasted effort. No effect. Nothing’s changed. Wanted to leave an impression. Wanted to be. Something. But nothing anyone would notice. Except. Maybe…Flat on the road. Crow meat. Stumbling blind on a chain. Limbic. Eccentric. Italic. Refrain. Always repeating. The same. Distain. Distrain. We’re all renters. Never got a deposit back in my life. Cat piss in carpet. Mold in walls. Bracket fungi lining the halls. Spores. And mores. Now. Lifespan tapering. Last shot. Long shot. Unconditional surrender. White flag. Bi...

Chapter One. Fly. But unfortunately. Tragically. Comically. There becomes here. Every. Single. Time. Keep moving. Dread ‘til dead. Best keep breaths shallow. Rushed. Predictable. Random. It will come, but when? Explosion. Social disaster. Familial carnage. Dust settles. Gone to green. Open. Endless. Never arrive. Just survive. Pedal. Rolling hills. Miles of corn. Woods. Streams. Pastoral jailbreak. Exhaustion. Collapse. Inhale. Finally. Bird song. Insect hum. Sunburn. Water runs along. Slow. Deep. Brown. Safe. Sleep. Longer roads to travel. Walk through the door. Hard habit to break. Distraction. Diversion. Appeasement. Accommodation. Just don’t be mean. Triggered. Translucent. Transparent. Invisible. Wind. Empty. Dusty attic. Comfort. Blanket. Hide. I’m not here. Please leave a message. Flight, not fight. Cozy corner under rafters. Home. Sanctuary. Far away laughter. Like thunder. Echoed talk. Specter. Haunt. Wisp of personality. Hint of presence. Suggestion of life. Numb. Unable to c...

Points of sound. Flow uninterrupted. Rain runs. Seeking lowest. Untrammeled. Untamed. Incongruous. Place to stay. Water too old to care. Where. Or for how long. Going to lay low. For a while. Aquifer. Spin cycle. Resurface. Polluted. Abused. Leeched. Bleached. Sand. Soil. Rock. Leaves. Cleanse. Until. Cancer free. Chemotherapy. Cellulose. Birds in the canopy. Like nothing happened at all. Colors. Shades. Hues. Tones. Tangled. Interwove. Humid. Acrid on tongue. Human spirit flows through it all. Conscious. Aware. In awe. Downloaded. Apes. No more. Matrixed. Nodes on coordinate wall. Coral. Vole. Heat. Ocean gale. Sand squall. Feelin’ it all. Boredom kills. Keep scrapin’. Spell it. Sell it. Spores scattered. Strings detached. Buoyed by tides. Lifted by sun. Cadence of a mother’s heartbeat. Wrapped in warmth. Ecological discourse. Stop trying so hard. Demons no more. Peel back. Underland. Slide in. Explore. So many doors. Spelunk. Debunk. Ancient myths based in fear. Adorned in threads of...

Sailing. Free. Buried at Sea. Currents. Spirits. Dark water. Uninterrupted. Floating. Shores too blinding to see. Depths. Infinity. Revived. By chaos. And strong drink. Lots of fun at Finnegan’s wake. Flying. On angel’s wings. Keep singin’ Sunshine. Remember. Wait. Too heavy. Forget it. Hurricane. Lacey dress. Draping. Swaying. Rhythms. Incoherent mess. Ten million crows speaking at once. Skeleton key. Looks to me. All doors. Unlocked. Universal. You’ll see. Keep at it. Flinch. Ooh, just a peek. That’s enough. Really? This isn't a one-off. But I’m full. Too bad. You got to be. Immersed. Swallowed up. Dispersed. Throughout the galaxy. And next. Ugh. Too much. Can’t we wait? For what? Now or never. Open your eyes. And see. What you don’t want. Point is. I was hoping. To prepare. To get ready. You see. Can’t. Like having a baby. You’ll never know how it’ll be. Until it be. Heavens laugh. Throaty. Rumbled. Atomic flash. Invisible feet. Stumble. Sludge. Slipping down a pole. Orient. Sta...