Note to Self

Transitions. Endless. Empty. Anxious. Antsy. Bouncing like a kid. Boring. Interminable flights over vast distances. Never landing. Wanting to scream. Congenitally unsuited. Always waiting. Always traveling. Never arriving. But congenital's not right, really. Genetic trait, sure. Though something else too. Unending tragedies started by murder and mayhem. Clan warfare. Invasion and oppression. Treason. Exploitation. Death and flight by the millions. Numbness – inherited trait. No emotion. Just histrionics. Distraction. Frustration. And when the dust settles: melancholia. Sweet sickness. Old bone. One-note melody. Resigned fate. Trauma hugged by weeping mother. Whiskey. Blurred vision. Waters littered with thin blades – blown out windows. Slivers piercing skin. Keep flailing. Then sing sad songs. All cursed. Threads in history’s loom. Winding through tapestries thousand years long. Trapped in warp and weft. Reverse. Loose ends behind perfect facades. Stupid bickering yanking on frayed threads. Chaotic, but raw. Those who see are instantly on the outside. Ready for the quick snuff-out. Acrid smoke dispersing through dimming light. Escape. Cracks in stained-glass. Gaps under doors. Inside priest’s pocket. Blast. Icy air. Profane time. Harsh, but real. Feel, don’t think. Feel, don’t sing. Feel, don’t run. Don’t shut down. Breathe. Agitation and conflict. Don’t flinch. Relax. Sidestep perfection. Wade into creation’s disheveled piles. Imprinting order – devil’s work. Satan get behind me! Melt like stains into carpet. It’ll be OK. Nobody’s going to die and only a few will get hurt. Forests teem. Living and dying things. Companions. Hands into goo. Feet into underbrush. Face under fallen trees. Hidden cities whispered into being. Coastlines at night. Luciferin fungi. Masters of light. Don’t sleep. Breathe. Watch. Join. Be ants marching over log’s horizon, rappelling into tall grass. Compost. Leach. Vague colors. Background hues. Thrumming noise. Crashing odors. Fizzing acid. No wind. No pressure. Mental fabric. Vibrations. Music. Low. High. Syncopated. Back beat. Offbeat. No beat. Listen. Silence. Breathe. Just now. No interpretation. No explanation. Just. Now. Fight. Flight. Freeze. Faint. Nerves strum. Taut. Reflex. Buried deep. Not quite instinct – but close. Gone. Dissociation. Water slipping through fingers. No water. No fingers. Can’t bring back. There is no back. Only here. Only now. Immersive. Integrated. Corpus callosum. Freak. Between worlds. Connection, not place. Process, not stuff. Peace, not passive. Activist pacifist. Don’t take sides. All slipping down death’s spiral. Caught in infinite loops. Mechanized. Always losing. Never finding. Peace. Beyond convention. Past instinct. Can’t breathe polluted air. Can’t drink poisoned water. Can’t grow in contaminated soil. Thesis. Antithesis. Synthesis. Multiple become one. One becomes none. Dead end. Blind alley. Trampled. Ground up. History. Towering figures eat your lunch. Sensual diversion. Suspension of disbelief. Drink. Eat. Fight. Sell. Sex. Cheat. Power. Control. Fear. Intimidation. Violence. Somebody’s winning this game. From ashes palaces arise. Different names. Same faces. Unredeemable narrative. Garbage script. New story. Crafted by hand with burnished surface. Internal glow. Examine. Slow perfection. Harmony. Symmetrical at distance. Lopsided up close. Let go. Eyes open. Hands loose. Follow clouds along serpentine way to old man fishing. Recline. Make tea. Hum. Join. Don’t attach. Raise babies. Rain. Inhale. Exhale. Flow. Find cracks. Seep. Limestone pores. Ancient seas. Forgotten dramas from last night. Mineral bodies. Fusion. Sunlight. Surface seething. Depth thinking. Self-reliant. Months without food. Waiting. Patient. Dark. Not distracted. Still in movement. Balanced in stillness. Transfer. Conduit. Sunken foundations. Eat steam. Belch iron. Leak gold. Child of supernova. Space traveler. All it takes is time. Lots of it.